It's Probably Just The Trauma

We’re knees deep into October which means that my susceptibility to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms is high. If you didn’t read my blog post on cry season, take a gander at it for some context. Essentially, from September - December, I cry a lot as my body remembers and heals from past trauma. Currently, I’m in Istanbul, Turkey, and I have been experiencing a plethora of emotions over here.

There’s one dear friend, Monte, who I feel quite sensitive about. Our friendship feels more secure now, but our past includes an unhealthy intimate relationship and long periods of silence. That being said, when he was off living his best life and not responding to my super deep and thought provoking messages, I immediately thought that he hated me and was gone for good. In most of my relationships (except Victoria), I have this fear that one day, the people I love will discover that I suck and never speak to me again…

Yeah, so I was on the phone with Victoria telling her about his Instagram story and freaking out and why hasn’t he answered yet? And then, a light bulb.

“You know, it’s probably just the trauma,” I said to myself more than V.

“I think you can probably take the ‘probably’ out of that,” she responded.

“Yeah, but that’s harder to admit,” I confessed, with tears forming in my eyes.

Recent emotional labor:

Breaking up with my lover boy

Lucky for me, Liam and I never planned to be together forever. As travelers who are both native English speakers, you would be shocked at how many misunderstandings there were between the two of us. I met Liam when I was traveling in Albania. He is on a pilgrimage, walking from the UK to India (minus the ferry to France). I have no plans of walking to India and there was something appealing about a traveler relationship. We’d see each other once a month on average, venture, hang out, and then carry on with our lives. It was convenient and filled with a lot of love and growth.

In September, I took 2 weeks off of life to trek through the northern part of Albania. In that time, I had an immense amount of dreams involving me and my future partner. These dreams were immaculate and so real that I’d wake up forgetting which world I was in. After this, I didn’t have the same space for a temporary, intimate, relationship anymore. I decided that I wanted to focus my energy on preparing for partnership. I wanted to have the space available for him whenever he shows up.

Yeah so when the time came to meet up in Istanbul, I told Liam that I wanted to end our intimate relationship early. He wasn’t all that surprised, but we entered a strange phase somewhere in between lovers and friends. The path to understanding each other was long and required an enormous amount of effort. We noticed that when we stopped being lovers, something fell off the relationship and suddenly, we could be playful and flow together. Yay for friends!

Message with mom

Last year, I suddenly stopped speaking to my mother. I blocked her on everything, including PayPal. I wasn’t available to receive anything from her. I made this decision after multiple sleepless, nightmare, filled nights and flashbacks brought on by stress. My mother is a lot of beautiful and amazing things and she also has suffered from her own mental illness. Growing up, she wasn’t always a safe place for herself which means that she wasn’t always a safe place for me… it’s a hard truth, but it’s the truth.

So this year, we’re speaking again and when I told her that I was open to receiving, she asked about last year. We exchanged a few words on the topic. I sent her my “cry season” blog post and a voice note explaining what was going on. She thanked me and encouraged me to share how I’m feeling more often. Though the conversation was short and brief… It was a challenge.

Band of Brothers

If you don’t know, I’m one of the many people in the world who has experienced sexual trauma. One morning, I woke up with 2 stories in my mind of when I said no and it wasn’t respected. They wouldn’t go away so I recorded them. Stuck with these recordings, I didn’t really know what to do next, but I knew that I wanted to share them with someone. I considered a few friends and realized that I wanted an inside out circle.

What’s an inside out circle? Well, to start, a circle is essentially an intentional gathering of people where we tend to sit in a circle. For example, when I was in Cyprus, I was doing some work with my soul brother, Roses. We were holding space for Sacred Union Circles which involved men and women healing and having conversations together. I would lead the women’s circle and Roses would lead the men. Then, after a few bird calls, we’d come back together to discuss as one group.

An inside out circle is a gathering when the men hold space for the women by standing outside of them to witness and vice versa. I’ve never done one before (as a space holder or participant), but I was itching for it. I feel like sexual trauma is such a “women’s issue,” but it’s not. It’s a human issue and yeah… I had shared with sisters before, but never brothers.

So I created a group chat, asked some brothers if they were available to listen, and then forwarded the 15 minutes worth of traumatic audio along. When I saw one brother respond with an angry, cursing, emoji, I just about melted and threw my phone across the room. The idea of someone being angry on my behalf… I don’t know, it felt wrong. It felt like I was doing something wrong by telling the truth.

Yeah, so more brothers responded and some will listen soon… and this was the first time I shared these stories with men… It feels quite substantial.

Thank you to those men.

Supported by Love

Are you ever only available to do the bare minimum? You know, something interesting happens when there’s just enough space for me to manage myself: the universe provides. From a place of exhaustion and decision fatigue, I did the easiest thing: found myself a room to rent. Even though Istanbul is the most populated city in Europe and I just spent the last 6 months living in nature, I accepted this choice because I didn’t have the capacity to do anything else. I had a comfortable place to work while saving for Thailand and I thought that was enough for me.

But after 2 full days of sleeping, I finally left my apartment and discovered that there weren’t even any parks close by. The constant honking. The sound of the elevator. The concrete jungle. It was pulling me down, but I was numb to it because I didn’t have the energy.

“I’ll survive. This is good enough,” I thought to myself.

Cue Efe, a Turkish Rainbow brother that I met in Italy. “They call that the ass hole of Istanbul!” He informed me in a text message before insisting that I do better for myself. I laughed, agreed, and told him that I didn’t have the emotional energy to do better. By the end of the day, I had the phone number of a friend of a friend willing to rent me a room in a smaller city on the Aegean coast. The apartment is in a quiet neighborhood with a view of the sea and is surrounded by trees.

I feel grateful for my friends at times like this. Reader, I don’t know what you believe, but for me, this is magick and reassures me of our interconnectedness. The steps leading up to my departure from Istanbul would all seem too perfect and too coincidental to be real, but honestly, even when I’m down, I’m supported by love. Even when I’m limited, there’s a network of love out there conspiring for me to be healthy and happy… This network is working for all of us.

Final Thoughts

I must admit that maybe it is “just the trauma.”

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