It's Funny How Things Change

In my last blog post, My Head is in a Cloud, I mentioned feeling blocked romantically. I talked about a brother that I felt safe with and it’s funny because things have changed. I suppose things are always changing, but the way that the energy has shifted is quite a surprise to me. His presence is now a reminder to always trust my intuition and stand in my truth. I appreciate his light and the medicine that our connection was. I’m a bit hurt because I thought we were friends, but… alright, let me just walk you through it.

Emotional Intimacy

In the hippie community, intimacy isn’t only reserved for romantic partnerships. This is a liberating piece of our culture that I deeply appreciate and value. The thing is, when energy and intentions aren’t clear, it can get confusing. Bruno is the brother that I had space for. Bruno and I were emotionally intimate. It felt good. We kept running into each other and falling into deep conversation. There was touch (another norm in the hippie community), but at times, the intention behind the touch wasn’t clear to me. I’m all for cuddling with brothers, but when I’m on the back of his scooter and he reaches back to caress my thigh, I’m a bit confused. Maybe it’s just me and my body, but the thigh isn’t a place I’m normally touched platonically by anyone.

But I was leaking. I will take ownership of that. After holding so much space for Monte’s rage, I just wanted to be held. Bruno and I talked about an intimate, platonic, connection and I thought there was space for that. He told me that he wasn’t available for a sexual or romantic relationship because he was just getting out of a break up. He seemed confused. I wasn’t open to having sex with him or interested in partnership so this was fine for me. 

Awkwardness and Intuition

One night, early into our connection, something awkward happened. After Kirtan, I was talking to Bruno when another sister interrupted us. She embraced him in a huge hug. Her back was to me and he looked in my eyes as he swayed back and forth holding her body. I raised an eyebrow and walked away. My intuition had a strong reaction to this: DO NOT ENGAGE. That night, I texted him something about not having space for his energy. 

The next day, I was in the park. I noticed Bruno across the lawn, but didn’t pay him much attention. I sat for a few minutes getting comfortable before deciding that I wanted to get a smoothie bowl. I grabbed my reusable container and left the rest of my things behind. When I reached the edge of the park, I heard someone call out my name. Turning around, there was Bruno, chasing after me. He opened his arms and embraced me immediately. At first, I was shocked. I stood there, frozen, before my arms intuitively wrapped around him. 

He asked if we were okay. I explained that if he’s entangled with another sister, I don’t have space for intimacy with him. It’s not personal. He said he understood.

And then there was New Year’s Eve

There was a lot of energy on New Year’s Eve. I opened up to Bruno again. He said that he set clear intentions with the sister from Kirtan and that made me feel safe. Things were flowing nice, but both of our exes were at the party that night. Essentially, we supported each other in maintaining our own boundaries with them. After reaching the end of the energy I had for Monte, I set firm boundaries with him to leave me alone. I gave him as much compassion as I could and when that barrel was empty, I became something of a fortress. Still, keeping the boundary with someone I love and know is hurting is hard for me.

I was guarded with Bruno, too. When we danced, I wasn’t relaxed. I was skeptical, but I was hungry for the emotional intimacy and he was willing to give it. I managed to avoid Monte most of the night except at the very end when the family was gathered and hugging good bye. My heart hurt. I didn’t know how to proceed. I was about to leave without saying anything to anyone when I saw Bruno grabbing his bag. Walking out, we both opened up about the challenge of having our exes at the party. We both wanted to approach them, tell them we cared, tell them that they were loved, but instead, we looked at each other as mirrors. 

It was easy for Bruno to tell me not to go to Monte. Monte was being cruel and I deserved better. It was easy for me to tell Bruno to let go as well. In the end, we didn’t want to be alone and that prompted an invitation: “Will you be my cuddle buddy?” he asked me with a big smile. My heart was happy. It was an easy yes. If we were older versions of ourselves, our loneliness would’ve led us to sexual intimacy, but in this new age, two friends who needed support could hold each other accountable and in a warm embrace through the night.

The Funny Part

Bruno and I shared a few other moments together, but shortly after new years, both of our exes left. I felt guilty at the immediate sense of relief, but embraced my truth. (Feelings are for feeling.) Shortly after our exes left, things began to shift with my dear brother, Bruno. He had a crush on someone and wanted to explore it. He told me that there was space for me and that I didn’t need to worry about our friendship. I believed him.

The funny part is that I get wrapped up in all these stories. The story of Bruno. A brother who held me through letting go of Monte, but maybe once Monte was gone, I didn’t need this connection anymore. Maybe that’s why things shifted. Bruno stopped being a person that I could count on. He’s confused and his words mean next to nothing for me. He kept making agreements and going back on them. He wasn’t listening. I know that he cares and I am sad to lose the closeness of this friendship; but if I’m being honest, I’m more sad because of my attachment to the story… to the idea of being chosen, of being prioritized, when I’m clearly not. 

This keeps coming again and again. I keep choosing people who don’t have the space for me and hoping that they’ll “wake up.” 

This is the story of me and my father, the man I’ve never met.

So thank you, Bruno, for your medicine. For the gentle reminder of the pattern I have. Thank you for the invitation to make a different choice. Thank you for noticing the change in my energy and asking to hug me instead of assuming that it’s okay. I care about you and I’m grateful for you, but I’m going to listen to my intuition now.

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