Is it vegan? Re-commitment to Veganism

A few years ago, in the early days of 2022, I was walking home from the market with another volunteer, Lorena. We were in the middle of nowhere, Costa Rica, and it was a cloudy afternoon. The sun was setting and as we wandered over the bridge back towards the Magic Garden, I munched on an ice cream sandwich. 

“Lorena, I think this will be my last ice cream sandwich for a while,” I said to her, savoring another bite.

“Why? You can just buy another one tomorrow,” she responded with a giggle. 

“Yeah, I don’t know… I think this’ll be the last one - maybe even ever!” We laughed and continued our walk home.

Later that night, I was texting Monte about his choice to be vegan. He talked to me about the power of love and how energy moves through the things we eat. I can’t put it all into words, but instantly, I began to cry. The conversation touched a chord and when going to sleep that night, I decided that I was vegan.

What I didn’t know

The next morning, I woke up to the golden hour in the morning and the mist floating over the mountains. I just went grocery shopping last night, but the yogurts, cheeses, and eggs all got put in the shared food pile. It was at this moment that I remembered that for the last 3 years, I had eaten an omelet for breakfast nearly everyday. Chef, another volunteer, suggested oats and shared some of his fruit with me.

What I didn’t know the night I decided to be vegan was that I’d be checking the labels of everything from now on. Scanning the impossibly small writing (usually in a foreign language) looking for any sneaky milk powder. Peanut butter occasionally has milk powder in it. Oreos are nearly always vegan (if you don’t include the traces).

What I didn’t know is that eating out would get extremely complicated and that I’d have to explain myself (sometimes using google translate), to be met with a shocked expression, laughter, or just a person shaking their head, “no” and walking away.

What I didn’t know is that people would press me to make exceptions and get upset when I refuse. As a traveler, this is a delicate balance because of cultural differences. 

What I didn’t know is that I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty about being “a problem” when people responded poorly OR I’d feel guilty for eating something with animal products when I didn’t want to.

What I didn’t know is that sometimes, when on a hitchhiking/camping trip, there would be very limited options. In the middle of these food deserts, my choices were essentially to eat potato chips and bread for a week or have something with eggs or dairy in it.

What I didn’t know is that choosing to exclude animal products from my diet would make so many areas of my life around food a challenge.

It’s been tough…

This year, in particular, I’ve been questioning my choice. Unlike other friends, my reason behind being vegan hasn’t been clear. Consciously, I’m not in it for the animals or because of the environment. It just feels like the right thing to do. But every new country or new city, every time I’m with a group of travelers who want to go to a restaurant where I can’t eat anything except French fries, I get a little more depleted.

This year, I’ve cried multiple times at restaurants because I ordered something vegan and they came out with something not vegan. And then, when I’d try to explain, the language barrier or cultural difference would get in the way and the frustration would pull me down. I’ve been wondering if I should go back to being vegetarian. What’s the big deal? After all, this is clearly not working for me, right?

I don’t know if it was cracking an egg with a developing chick inside in Belize or seeing the hallowed ribs of some cows in Albania, but every time I’d make an exception or consider switching, it’d keep me up all night.

Now That I Know

So now that I know all the ways being vegan impacts my life, I’m committing to it. Years ago, like flipping a light switch, I decided to be vegan and now, almost 3 years later, I’m actually dedicated.

I’m committed to being misunderstood, to bringing my own food, to not splitting the bill anymore, to eating healthy, to finding a good source of B12, to taking up more space in the restaurant decisions. I’m committed to asking over and over and over again if the waitress is sure that there’s no milk or eggs in this dish, to reading the labels of everything and leaving a store empty handed. I’m committed to finding the things that are for me even if it’s hard or less convenient. It is simply worth the effort.

But why?

Honestly, it’s hard to put into words, but it just feels right. I don’t like the way we use and abuse animals’ bodies for our benefit. I think we’re meant to work more delicately with nature than that. 

But being vegan is the reason that I learned how to make Borek instead of buying it in the shop. Looking at all those labels makes me really consider what I’m putting into my body. Veganism has inspired me to get creative in the kitchen and also, be very grateful for people’s efforts when they prepare a dish for me. I’ve started to appreciate fruits and vegetables more. This summer, one of my favorite things to do was sing to the plum trees before plucking a few fruit and continuing on my morning walk.

Of course a person doesn’t need to be vegan to discover these things, but it encouraged me. Because I don’t have everything available to me, I have to look harder for things that fit into my values. Yeah, so I must admit that I was naive the first time I said I was vegan. I still don’t completely understand why this is the choice for me, but it is. So yeah, 3 years in and I’m sticking to it. 

No more shame or guilt or confusion, anymore. This is just me. Maybe in 3 more years, I’ll be able to explain my “why” in more words.

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