Am I afraid of success?

Short Answer: Yes.

Long answer: In the last month, I’ve been questioning my relationship with success and the possibility of my aversion to it. The thought first came to me when I saw a book addressing the topic and that has since bloomed into somewhat of a personal thesis project. 

The story starts with my friend, William. Have I told you about him before? Early 30s? Successful business guy? All around decent human being? He describes the formation of his business as a “happy accident” that just fell together in a beautiful way. It was through getting to know him, and other self-employed people, that I began to reflect on my relationship with success, especially as it relates to financial abundance.

I have a few friends who own businesses or work for themselves; but what sets William apart is his confidence, his security, and his age. When I first met him, I assumed he was in his mid 40s because of his business and calm nature. After getting to know him better and becoming his friend, I realized that we laugh at the same things and he looks way too young for 40. That’s when I did a deep dive on his Instagram searching for evidence. Luckily, homeboy doesn’t delete his stuff so I had a few things to go off of. I figured out that we were in high school around the same time and from asking him directly, I determined that he’s a measly 3 years older than me.

This was mind boggling because I had only seen this level of serenity in my older, more established, friends. It made me reconsider what was possible for myself. Somewhat of a worthy note: I get the impression that William came from at least a somewhat secure and well-off family. I imagine that his conditioning has influenced his ability to take up space and embrace success with ease. Regardless of his life situation, witnessing him has made me realize that this state of being is within reach for me now. I don't have to wait for my 40s. 

Success & Feeling Secure

Honestly, I think about all the times that I got in my own way of succeeding. The times that I said I wanted a long term partnership, but only dated people with short-term intentions. The times I wanted to sell my art, but was too afraid to invest in good tools. The time that I attracted not one, but two publishing offers for my book, but when they came, I wasn’t actually ready for them.

When I am calm and secure, opportunities are like a magnet. Anything I want comes to me in an instant. I focus on cacao, in walks the means to hold ceremonies. I need cash, here’s cash. I need a place to live, here’s a place to live. I focus on teaching, here are multiple invitations from schools in different countries. I focus on writing, here’s a book deal. I’ve learned the law of attraction and the law of least effort, but I’ve hardly been in a position to receive financial abundance from that. Little amounts, sure, but anything that seems like too much, I am afraid of. Anytime something big comes to me, I'm not ready to receive it.

William’s “happy accident” (aka: business) came to him mostly because he put himself in a position to receive. When magic came, he wielded it like a painter on his canvas. The results have been incredible to witness. His business inspires many, fosters community, encourages a healthy lifestyle, and is a hub for artistic expression. Like him, I’ve opened myself up to receive, but unlike him, I’m afraid of taking up too much space. I’m afraid to be seen. As part of my healing, I’ve been attracting love, peace, and emotional prosperity. I closed the door to financial abundance because I didn’t have the space for it. It was too much of a headache. Free housing opportunities and navigating the world with as little as possible became the norm. That decision was the right choice because through those limitations, I learned how to connect with myself, ask for help, and make seemingly impossible dreams a reality; but now that I can be happy with next to nothing, can I feel deserving of absolutely everything?

I’m working on it | Action Steps

1. Visualize and Call it IN

When it comes to your dream, be specific. Visualize it in any way that feels true: meditation, journaling, sketching, etc. If it’s a house, what kinds of locks are on the windows? If it’s a relationship, how does a lazy Saturday in bed feel? Or better yet, in what form do y’all manage conflict in a healthy way? Like a phone call to the divine, call it in. Ring, ring, hello? Life will answer. We seem to be the only species who has the ability to envision something and make it a reality. The mind is a powerful tool and attention energizes. When we constantly imagine the best case scenario, we unconsciously attract that to ourselves. 

Seemingly Simple Suggestions:

• Visualize your dream with detail and integrity

• Let the dream change (it is a living being)

• Open yourself to receive

2. Managing Dark Magic

We live in a world where there are forces of dark magic: war, famine, violence, etc. Dark magic is created by humans and used as a tool to spread suffering and if we’re not careful, it can swallow us whole. Dark magic especially doesn’t like the light- doesn’t like successful or happy people. On a smaller scale, dark magic presents as jealousy, scarcity mindset, or just simply being mean. It's important to acknowledge that not everyone and everything encourages our success. I’ve found that shielding myself from this energy is essential to making space for what's good and healthy.

How to manage?

• Surround yourself with light and build a network of safety. Create a healthy environment for yourself and have multiple safe places and people in your life.

• Pour love into yourself and let the overflow leak onto others. Don’t be stingy or afraid to give. When you are a vessel of generosity, life will respond by giving you more.

  • IMPORTANT NOTE: SHARE OVERFLOW LOVE ONLY! Don't pour from an empty cup.

• When dark magic comes for you, don’t take it personally. Don’t feed it. Just let it go and move on.

3. Reconditioning/ Reprogramming

The hardest part about success is definitely reconditioning old patterns around fear. When you spend most of your life being afraid of something, it makes sense that a new behavior would be hard. My conditioning around success was a bit conflicting. My mom saw my light and encouraged excellence, but she was also angry. An easy example of this was how she insisted that I be the first in the family to go to university, but then accused me of “thinking I was better than her.” She was always triggered by my presence no matter what I did. I assume this is because I was doing the things she always wanted to do. She was the first in the family to get a high school diploma, but when she tried to study, her financial aid got cut. Then, she got pregnant with me and her focus shifted away from herself and onto giving me access to as many opportunities as possible... 

So being successful generally created a wedge between me and my mom which is why, as a child, I learned to take up just enough space to not press on the wound. The further into adulthood that I got, the more I realized that this fear based pattern would be my family’s legacy unless I was brave enough to make a different choice. So over the years, there has been a great distance between me and my mom. In its place, I’ve acquired great friends, healthy relationships, calmness, confidence, and a courageous nature unmatched by many. It’s a difficult decision that I sit with often and a healthy relationship with my mom is something I'm calling in. I hope one day, she finds the strength to stand beside me knowing that she is just as worthy of all these beautiful things.

Seemingly Simple Suggestions:

• Decide what you want your new programming to be

• Brainwash yourself with messages and behaviors that support the new program

• Wait for life to catch up and be persistent

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