A letter to Liam

Hey Liam!

It finally happened… We said goodbye and it’ll probably be a while before we’re in the same country again. You know, I find our relationship so strange. It all began with a miscommunication and each of us creating a different version of the other. I thought you drank rarely, but you actually drink socially. I thought you were a hippy and you thought I was a fortress and we were both wrong. 

I find it funny how we came together because it suggests to me that the divine was really intervening. I don’t drink and I don’t date people who drink. If either of us knew how much space this would occupy in our connection, we both wouldn’t have gone any further. 

But because of the nature of our traveler relationship (at a distance and with weeks or months between visits) we managed to date each other for a full season. How bizarre.

And in that time, I must admit, I transformed in a positive way because of your influence. I don’t know if I communicated this clearly in our departure, but it was an honor to know you, to support you, and to grow with you. We figured out early that we weren’t each other’s life partner. We decided it would be temporary and we would be lovers. I didn’t realize how much effort it would take though… not in a negative way, but the two of us think in very different ways. It took effort to understand each other. Even if our values come from the same tree, the details go to opposite sides of the farthest branches.

Being in an intimate relationship with you challenged me, but I was on a mission to understand you and find peace with you.

I figured out that you are very emotionally available for me and the people you love. You invest a lot of energy into emotionally supporting others. I felt grateful for you to listen, make space, and work with my scabby wounds. I feel like I didn’t get to hold you, though… I wonder why.

I figured out that you sway from being distracted to extremely focused like the wind. This was hard for me to keep up with. I’m sorry if I got impatient sometimes, but it wasn’t until we were saying goodbye at the metro that it sunk in. This isn’t something you do on purpose. It’s just how your brain works and shouldn’t be taken personally.

I figured out that you’re forgetful and that’s not on purpose either. 

I figured out that you don’t mind supporting other people’s plans for the day and don’t hold on too tightly to your own ideas of what the day should be.

I figured out that you kind of see the world in black and white sometimes… For example, once, I might have breezed off something about your computer stuff because I didn’t understand it and you thought I wasn’t interested. You decided not to mention it again and was surprised when I was asking you questions later. Sometimes, it feels like you’re always looking for definitive answers that support certain behaviors… My dear, people are walking contradictions.

Taking the time and the energy to learn you has been a challenge; you already know this. We were both challenged. I didn’t start this letter with the basis of telling you about yourself, but I guess I wanted to share with you that I see you… After all this time talking and misunderstanding each other, I see you, at least a little bit. It sucks that it took so long to get here, but here we are. 

You know, that’s another thing, though. We stopped being intimate and were still in the same city for 2 weeks. We hung out as friends, but when you would put your hand on my knee or look into my eyes and call me gorgeous, I couldn’t help but wonder if you were confused. I was confused! A voice inside said that things would change with time and I tried to accept these gestures with ease. I wondered if you were just in the habit of behaving in this way or maybe it felt more open since the pressure of our intimate relationship was gone. Maybe you were making up for lost time when it seemed like I was a fortress who couldn’t receive such gestures. I don’t know, but that’s something I didn’t figure out and don’t think I have to. It was part of our experience in those final days and I appreciate all of it. 

Liam, you know so well the vision I have for partnership. You know that I’m in love with someone else and you’re happy for me. I’m in love with someone who might not be in love with me.. Who I haven’t seen in some time.. A person who I sometimes feel I know well and in other moments, feel I know nothing about. Even without any assurance, you encouraged me to pursue my dream to connect with this person (or someone like him). You’d check in with me and ask how our conversations were going and if I felt good about my connection with him. You wanted to help prepare me for him so that I might not be so anxious or afraid when it came time to be loved like that…

And you did.

I won’t see him for another month or two and I won’t know for some time after that if we’ll be friends, a couple, or nothing at all, but you have helped me prepare for partnership in so many little ways. You have helped me be me in an intimate partnership. There was space for me to say no, space for me to be angry, space for joy and silliness. And you were just there to work with me and to witness it all. Piece by piece peeling back the layers discovering that underneath, I wasn’t a fortress, but a human being just afraid of being loved.

You smiled the first time you saw me feeling anxious. I thought you were nuts, but you thought that seeing my human was so beautiful. When it took me 20 minutes to find the right words to send him a 90 second voice note, you chuckled at my humility. You admired it because you hadn’t seen it before. I was so uncomfortable by this, but you encouraged me to be everything. And you accepted me calling you weird for smiling at me like that.

I guess to sum up this letter, I want to thank you. Thank you for co-creating with me. Thank you for our shift. Thank you for our friendship. Thank you for the moments where you “couldn’t do anything right.” Thank you for holding me when I was crying. Thank you for asking and receiving “no” with grace and ease, except that one time. Hahaha. Ah, Liam, we did so good. Such good work we did together. And now we’re off in different directions following the truth of our hearts. What a gift.

Thank you for sharing yourself with me and thank you for the fun. Thank you for our unfinished poem and forgotten art work. Thank you for the two scraps of paper: one calling me a “salve” and one telling me “You’re not at war anymore.”

We did good for two people who are not compatible. We did so good and I’m excited to witness your journey and be your friend. I hope we can keep our intention of seeing each other at least once a year while we’re on different continents. Even better if we fulfill our dream of making it a big traveler family reunion. 

The future will tell what’s in store for us and I’m looking forward to it.

With all the love of my heart,

Jessica Jaye

---

If you feel like you’re getting value from my content and would like to support my craft, you can offer a donation at Buy Me a Coffee! Your support is deeply appreciated and well received. Wishing blessings and abundance to you and your loved ones in return!